| The shift becomes apparent some time later,
when formerly established patterns are re-entered
with an entirely new perspective. Sometimes it takes a traumatic event or
a real crash to finally let loose of all the things that put pressure on
us. I feel so much better since I gave up, surrendered to my own worthlessness.
It was one of the final things to go, my pride, my arrogance, my inflated
sense of self worth. I am now citizen Eugene, broken, beaten, meek and obedient,
causing harm to nobody, coming and going quietly like a bald-headed monk
who still has a few more lifetimes of penance to do. It's one of those necessary
steps one has to make on the way to becoming a clear view into and through
this existence. The self and one's relation to it are one of the strongest
filters we have between what is there and what we see. I begin to notice
a lot about how I view things… like the manipulative, man, greed view: what
I could do with something if I had it. If it were mine. |
| Working too hard for too long to "try to get
ahead," or just to stay on top of things conditions me to want more and
more. Like the chutes that pop out of drag racers after they cross the line,
I have to catch myself, wrestle myself to the ground, "Enough, enough, you've
got what you need! Chill for a while!" Like putting a tourniquet on a gushing
wound, I have to trim down, stop spending, stop being spun by the cycle. |
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| It feels good to consciously slow down, switch
over to efficiency mode, start using my resources more wisely. The hours
of my life are mine to do as I choose. The traps are the things that cost
me time, borrow against the future. Like drinking too much beer one night,
not only does it cost the time to earn the money for the booze, but half
of your next day is shot as well. This is something I have thought about
from other directions, too. To be on or in the moment, not lagging behind
or jumping the gun. To be aware of the things that are happening and some
of what they mean. Trying to get somewhere before it is time is something
one will pay for later. I want to really be where I am, no smoke and mirrors,
no mortgages, or bank loans. Lately I have been berating myself for the
fragility of my psychological state. Realizing I have structured my life
so as to be free of pressures I cannot stand, I am on the one hand regretful
that I am so sensitive, but also I am thankful that I am forced to live
honestly, without the freedom to run rough shod over the sensibilities of
others or without regard for the karmic dynamic of my actions. The gift
I have been receiving is a better view of what is really behind people's
actions - things they may be conscious of or not. I am definitely becoming
less naïve, but also more empathetic. |
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